Your results are in!

You may be aware that your current relationships are haunted by your past

  • You get triggered during sex and your body freezes or shuts down
  • You keep attracting the same type of partner and you don’t know why
  • It feels like you’re reliving the same old bullsh*t in different relationships
  • You’d rather stop dating entirely than go through another round of apps

Your big goal

To feel like the sh*tty things that happened in the past aren’t still impacting how you show up in love and life

But…

While your brain knows things are different, your body still reacts as if it’s in the past

You’ve likely heard Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s term, “the body keeps the score,” but what does that mean in practical terms? When something in the present looks, sounds, or feels like a past experience, your nervous system reacts as if it’s happening again.

That’s why you can feel jealous of your current partner when they’ve done nothing to betray your trust. Or why you sometimes freeze up in bed even though the person you’re with is safe.

If this is you, don’t worry, you’re in good company. Nearly half the people who take my quizzes say their past still affects their relationships.

While it’s perfectly normal, it doesn’t have to hold you back from having the sex and relationships of your dreams.

Here’s the nerdy science behind what’s really going on

The fast lane

Your brain has a shortcut when it senses danger. Sensory signals can reach the amygdala, your threat detector, before your thinking brain finishes processing them. Neuroscientist Joseph LeDoux calls it the “low road.” That’s why you can quickly brush off a terrifying spider before it bites your arm, only to realize it’s just a piece of lint.

Insight isn’t the same as safety

Understanding happens in your prefrontal cortex. Fear associations live in older, faster circuits (notably the amygdala, or “lizard brain”). Research on fear learning shows those associations don’t get erased just because you understand that it’s from the past. They only get updated when you have a new experience of safety in your body. And if you’re chronically reliving experiences like they were in the past, even when you have a new experience, it doesn’t automatically update. (Obnoxious, I know.)

Memories can be rewritten

Each time a memory is recalled, it becomes briefly changeable before it’s stored again. Researchers call this reconsolidation. Pair an old memory with a new, safe experience in that window, and the emotional charge can radically shift, even though what happened is the same.

The fix works on two layers

Layer one

Practices that help you process the past so it’s not activated in the present.

Layer two

Plus learning how to keep a new score: updating your nervous system with your current or desired experience so that you actually get to feel all the joy, love, and passion in the moment.

Imagine this

You feel fully here, in your body, with someone you trust.

You’re no longer triggered in the same way. You actually get to choose your reactions and responses from a clean slate, showing up the way you truly want to.

People who’ve stopped their past from running their present are doing three things

1

Moving emotion through the body.

They let feelings complete and process out of their body without storing them.

2

Managing their triggers.

They know what triggers them, and how to navigate to an empowered response instead of a knee-jerk reaction.

3

Reinventing the wheel.

They’re not locked into patterns that feel outside their control. They’ve done the work to train their nervous system so it’s not running the show like an untamed tiger.

Ready to leave the past in the past?

Unhaunted is 9 somatic and NLP practices to release what your body is still holding:

  • Somatic Processing, to move big emotions through and out
  • Letting Go, a guided visualization for what you can’t change
  • A Rage Ritual for the anger you’ve been holding for years
  • A Sensual Safe Space meditation, to build safety in your body