Your results are in!

Despite your best intentions, shame still runs the show

  • You learned early that sex or pleasure was wrong, dirty, or dangerous
  • You feel guilty for wanting what you want or you settle for less
  • Sex or pleasure feels buttoned-up and can come with a hangover of shame
  • You rarely, if ever, talk about sex or the more intimate parts of your relationship
  • You keep your fantasies to yourself because you’re scared of what they say about you

Your big goal

To be able to clear shame so you can live free and in your power and pleasure

But…

The programming runs deep.

It seems impossible that you can get what you truly want, it’s been so long already.

When you grow up with messages that sex is sinful, shameful, or dangerous, your brain pairs arousal with threat.

That’s conditioning, the same way your mouth waters at the smell of chocolate croissants (just me?).

Now arousal itself triggers a tamping-down of your body, so you diminish pleasure (even when you don’t want to), you settle for relationships that lack fireworks (because no one needs that noise), and you don’t even truly know what you want because shame has clogged your imagination.

You can intellectually know there’s nothing wrong with pleasure and still feel blocked by shame. It lives in your body, and the programming runs deep.

Here’s the nerdy science behind what’s really going on

Shame hits the brakes

Sex researchers John Bancroft and Erick Janssen describe arousal as a dual control system: an accelerator that responds to sexy stuff, and brakes that respond to anything that feels threatening. Shame, guilt, and fear of judgment are some of the strongest brakes there are.

Shame says “I am bad”

Guilt says “I did something bad.” Shame says “I am bad.” Psychologist June Tangney’s research shows shame, unlike guilt, makes people want to hide and withdraw. Which is exactly what it does to your desire.

Rewire with repetition

Your brain builds associations through repetition: neurons that fire together wire together. Every time you pair pleasure with safety, permission, and appreciation instead of alarm, you strengthen a new pathway, and the old one gets quieter.

The fix works on two layers

Layer one

You can clear shame from your body (even the really deep stuff) with NLP tools that rewrite your conditioning at the subconscious level.

Layer two

Pair that with practices that expand your pleasure and power and you will build new, empowered associations (and that’s how you get the best sex and relationships of your life.)

Imagine this

You feel free to want exactly what you want.

You talk about sex with your friends over brunch like it’s any other topic. You buy the toy without clearing your browser history. You know exactly what you want, and you only say yes to love crackling with fireworks. (Cheers to that version of you, babe.)

People who’ve let go of deep rooted shame are doing three things

1

They catch the old script.

You can start to hear when the voice in your head is using someone else’s words. And every time you hear it, you reassert a new, more empowered truth.

2

They release shame from the body.

Those feelings of embarrassment, shame, and unworthiness? They get processed out quickly, so you’re not constantly replaying scenarios in your head. All that sticky residue now has a path to exit.

3

They give themselves permission for pleasure.

This is no small task. Carve out time to give yourself what’s felt out of reach. Be really clear about where (and for who) you’re settling. This can be the most confronting part of the fix.

Ready to drop the shame?

Shameless is 9 practices to rewrite your programming:

  • Thought Switching, an NLP reprogramming practice with three levels of integration
  • Sensual Mirror Work, to replace shame with appreciation
  • Ho’oponopono, to release what you inherited
  • Permission for Pleasure, to make guilt-free pleasure a daily habit