Your results are in!

You probably already know that you tend to put yourself last

  • You’ll defer to what your partner (kids, friends…) want instead of owning your desire
  • You shrink what you want and make excuses when you don’t get it
  • You apologize often and will diminish yourself to keep the peace
  • You know what you want in bed, but saying it out loud feels mortifying
  • You fake pleasure or go along with what’s happening rather than redirect mid-moment

Your big goal

To turn “fine” into “f*ck yes” and start getting the things that actually work for you

But…

Speaking up feels seriously activating, like that dream where you have to give a speech to the high school auditorium, naked

Somewhere along the way, your nervous system learned that keeping others happy keeps you safe.

That way, you don’t face rejection and you don’t bruise another person’s ego. It also abdicates you of responsibility for your decisions and desires.

Here’s the nerdy science behind what’s really going on

The fawn response

You’ve heard of fight, flight, and freeze. Therapist Pete Walker named a fourth: fawn. When standing up for yourself once felt risky, your nervous system learned to stay safe by keeping everyone else happy. It’s not a personality flaw. It’s a survival strategy that’s outlived its usefulness.

Rejection registers like pain

In brain imaging studies, being socially rejected lights up some of the same regions as physical pain. So when your body braces before you ask for something, it’s not being dramatic. It’s protecting you from what it reads as a real hurt.

Silence has a cost

Psychologists call it self-silencing: holding back your needs to keep the peace. Research links it to lower sexual satisfaction and higher rates of depression. The peace you’re keeping is costing you more than it looks.

If you feel called out (sorry, not sorry), you’re actually in good company

1 in 100

In one informal poll, only 1 in 100 women said they tell their partner what they like in bed (and I’m guessing those numbers track outside of it).

And while the internet is full of articles that amount to, “start small and practice asking,” when your nervous system equates speaking up with public speaking (famously ranked above death as people’s #1 fear)… even “starting small” feels like an impossible task.

The deeper fix works on two layers

Layer one

Yes, getting clear on what you want and learning how to communicate effectively (and in a non-activating way) is important.

Layer two

Pair that with some nifty NLP strategies that empower your worth and your ability to take up space, and asking for what you want stops feeling like jumping out of an airplane.

Imagine this

You tell them exactly what you want, and they’re thrilled you did.

You find a way to voice your desires that encourages your partner, and you both light up in excitement. Your confidence is at an all-time high and owning your desires feels empowering instead of scary.

People who ask for what they want are doing three things

1

They’re communicating with confidence.

This requires you to be able to communicate it in a way that feels empowering instead of scary, and to feel totally secure if you don’t get the response you want or if things don’t go your way.

2

They know what they want.

Have you been quiet for so long you’re not even sure you know what you want anymore? Having the confidence to communicate also requires you to know what you want, and to know what you’re giving up if you don’t ask for it.

3

They know everyone is better off if they actually speak up.

You may think you’re keeping the peace by staying quiet, but if it’s eroding your sense of self, it’s eroding your relationship.

Ready to take up space?

Ask for What You Want in Bed and in Love is 9 practices to reclaim your voice:

  • Take My Power Back, a two-part embodied practice with guided audio
  • Showing Up Differently and North Star Check-In, to make choices that match what you want
  • Critical Language Check, an NLP tool to stop talking yourself out of your needs
  • A practice for using your voice in bed, from asking to moaning