Your results are in!

It’s probably no surprise that guarding your heart is preventing you from loving BIG

  • You feel like you either have one foot out the door or you’re always on alert for “the talk”
  • You’ve had sh*tty past experiences that have taught you love is conditional or flighty
  • You pull away (or pick a fight) right when things start getting good
  • You haven’t had a long-term relationship in a while (if ever)
  • The available, steady ones feel kind of… boring? Suspicious?

Your big goal

To love BIG without fear

But…

Part of you is always anxious that it’s going to end

Your attachment system is the part of your brain that tracks connection and safety with the people you love. When you’ve been lied to, left, or let down, that system learns to predict it happening again. So it scans for signs of rejection and reads neutral moments as threat. In order to “save” you from pain, your brain will do everything it can… usually blowing up the relationship or stopping it before it starts.

That’s a normal biological protection mechanism. Problem is, it’s costly. Closeness itself starts to feel risky, even with someone safe. You want a deep, beautiful, sparkly relationship but it feels like it comes at too high a cost.

Here’s the nerdy science behind what’s really going on

Attachment 101

Attachment theory says your earliest relationships with caregivers taught your nervous system what to expect from closeness: whether love shows up, stays, and feels safe. (You can also be later influenced by relationships and other life experiences.) These experiences create a “style” you carry into your relationships. Secure folks expect love, can lean fully into it, and aren’t worried it will slip away. Anxious folks worry they’ll lose it. Avoidant folks tend to keep love at arm’s length. And for an extra bit of fun, you can have disorganized attachment, which presents as a bit of both!

Calm doesn’t feel like chemistry

When your system is used to love that’s unpredictable, the anxious push-pull of “do they like me?” or incessant drama can feel like the rollercoaster ride you were made for. A steady, available person doesn’t set off that alarm, so they can register as boring, or like something’s off.

Attachment can be updated

Your attachment patterns aren’t a life sentence. Researchers have a name for it: “earned security”; people who start out anxious or avoidant can become secure through new relationships and practices that teach the nervous system something different.

The fix works on two layers

Layer one

You may think you need to learn how to trust a partner more (and that’s true) but what’s more is learning to trust yourself.

Layer two

Along with that, you can learn how to steady your nervous system, so it’s not constantly ringing alarm bells when there are none (and how to deal when there are).

Imagine this

You’re with someone who feels like home.

No holding back from fear of hurt, unreciprocated feelings, or unequal affection. You love fully, and your capacity to love expands. You have the willingness to weather potential heartbreak, knowing that the gift of BIG love is worth the risk.

People who love BIG and feel secure are doing three things

1

Becoming rooted in self-security.

Because when you’re secure in yourself it doesn’t matter what’s happening on the outside.

2

Lowering the shield.

Your nervous system needs to learn how to put the guard down and activate when danger is truly present. Fortunately, this is entirely learnable!

3

Being present with love.

Not overly steeped in the past, not projecting out in the future. It’s like simmering in the Goldilocks of love, right in the balanced middle.

Ready to let someone in?

Let In Love is 8 practices to rebuild trust from the inside:

  • Body Dialogue & Parts Work, to bring trust and suspicion into conversation
  • Trigger Mapping, to see what sets you off and choose how you respond
  • Somatic Processing, to move big emotions through your body
  • Ho’oponopono, a guided forgiveness practice to release old hurt